Some one is rapping gently at my chamber door…

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I am in awe of Aset.

She is a force to be reckoned with. She is determined, calculating, clever, eloquent, strong, persevering. She can be completely accessible as a Name while remaining aloof and subtle. Disciplined and courageous, She is unafraid to steal the Name of Re. She is a force of life, attending the birthing the sun each morn. She is the power behind succession, the throne, and the crops. She is a force of death, a Goddess of mourning. She is one of the Tree Goddesses who offers the souls of the dead sustenance in their travels. She is Great of Heka, and pitiful as a victim. Her eloquence will elicit sympathy from other Netjeru. She is a slayer of Apep and an Eye of Ra.

What isn’t to love?? When She came, I wanted Her. I saw myself in Her. I needed Her. Her lessons were ones I readily accepted: courage, discipline, determination, becoming a strong woman who could contribute to/change the world positively. Even still, I knew She was there for at least 2 years before I took any action at all (research or otherwise).

It is also easy to honor deities like Heru or Amun-Re. As just and courageous leaders, They emphasize duty. They do not sit idly on Their thrones; They are active and confrontational. These are things I would readily embrace.

Not all the lessons we need are the ones we embrace. Some Netjeru come when we NEED Them.

Het-Heru has been lingering for about 36 months. Aset has suggested bluntly to build a relationship with Her, but I was averse to it. Het-Heru was a Name of femininity to me. “Girlie stuff”. My understanding of Her was extraordinarily shallow. I even went so far as to worship/honor Aset in a more “pure” form: looking at Her before She “took on” traits from Het Heru. I didn’t want to “contaminate” my view of Aset with any Hathorian influences. How silly.

Clara BowI knew Het-Heru was a Name of sexuality, and my sexuality is something with which I have grappled and struggled for years and years. I had grown exhausted numerous times and given up, only to find that exacerbated the problem. For a good while, gender was also a bother. And here’s this Netjeret who is a Name of sexuality and femininity. Not only did She poke at my personal problems, but when I was more comfortable with my gender, She then offended my “feminist sensibilities”. NATURALLY a female deity would be a Name of sex. As if that was all “we” could ever be. (I ignored Min; He didn’t help my argument). I wanted to be seen as strong and capable; I wanted to make a difference and a splash in the world! Being joyously sexual was not as powerful as using one’s appeal as a tool. In my eyes, She was a Name of sex…of weakness. A Name of pain.

And fertility. And music. And cosmetics. And beauty. This was all I knew. I didn’t feel very beautiful. I never want children. Cosmetics mean little to me, beyond a show of femininity.  I had no interest whatsoever.

Ironically, I never though, “This Name could be the best one to help me with X.” I didn’t see deities as entities that helped you. They were lenses through which we better learned about humanity and the world. Knowledge of Them helped you, but They didn’t directly help you.

In the past year, I have come to accept and understand these parts of myself better than I had before. Once I felt more comfortable with these shadows, I came to Her with an open mind. I am finally candidly connecting to Her.  She is so much more than an Name of sexuality! And even as such, She is more a Name of “attraction”; She is what makes you feel enamored with anything.

However, I still need Her lessons, and not just in the area of sexual orientation. I like control (of my self and situation).  She is a Goddess of abandonment. To know Her is to “give in to drunkeness” or to become the blood thirsty Sekhmet. That is not my nature: I was something of a workaholic; I feel logic is more valid than my feelings; When things stray from The Plan, my proverbial fecal projectile impacts a revolving apparatus of circulation.  I need help realizing I can assert myself and ask for/accept ONLY what I want. I need confidence in my abilities. These are things She can teach as an Eye Goddess and as “the snake which coils about the Pharoh’s brow.” (Roberts, My Heart, My Mother).

The more I learn about Her, the more I come to understand how my approaches to “solving” these issues are/were misguided. The more I learn about Her, the more I realize I knew nothing of Her; She can truly perplex me.

Did She come because I needed Her, or was I calling to Her in my anguish?

Am I finally opening up to Her because I am overcoming these issues, or am I overcoming them because She has influenced me without my knowing?

She is not the only example. I have only experienced Wesir 3 times in 4 years. I’ve felt a “pull” to include Him in my practice, but have not. Each time He was gentle and quiet, but very profound. I knew He had work for me, but He never spoke of it. Except for the last time He came to me.

From the Book of Going Forth By Day; Ani's funeral procession (approx 1300 BCE)

From the Book of Going Forth By Day; Ani’s funeral procession (approx 1300 BCE)

I have lost three very important and influential people in my life at the times I needed them most and was just beginning to accept the help they would offer. I did not share my grief (or any other part of myself at this time), and I felt alone. These people shaped my life with their lives and deaths.

But I’m ok now! I had a normal and healthy mourning period, and I am no longer mourning! I take their lives and lessons to heart. I love them still, but I live on!

But the last time He came, He said, “You still have much to learn about death. You don’t deal with death properly. This is something you must reconsider.”

I’m a prideful woman. Ouch.

I thought I was all good in this department. Yet, according to Wesir, I’m either (a) in denial or (b) not realizing something about my emotional self. Crap.

I’m not sure what He meant or what I need to do. He didn’t say anything more. I know the first step is developing a regular devotional practice for Him.

This is a lot of self help all at once, guys.

But is He offering His lesson at this time because I have learned to cope well enough on my own, and so I’m ready to touch up this area of my life? 

This seems like the case with Het-Heru: She has been there, its only that now, when I have dealt with it in my own way and said, there I fixed it, that I am ready to accept her help.

Raven by George Hodan

Raven by George Hodan

The ravens that come to my chamber door are those carrying my own shadows. But if I can let them in, they will illuminate the darkness and obliterate my fear. Some authors (like Naydler and Roberts) see our travels through the Duat in this way: at each gate we confront our inner demons/values. Depending on whether or not we have wrestled with and assimilated them into ourselves, our travels can be a transformative journey or a torturous ferry ride.

Have any of you noticed this trend with your Deities?

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. picklewalsh
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 08:47:14

    An awesome well written post. As a child of Sekhmet i know how they can turn up when you least expect them and generally when its most awkward lol

    Reply

  2. von186
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 14:32:45

    mmmmmm gods like to find us and throw us off of cliffs :3
    I have done extensive shadow work with both Set and Osiris (you can find more on my blog by looking for my “the Cycle” posts). I think that many gods realize when we’re not ready. They niggle and nudge at us, get our minds running down that track- and then wait for when we’re truly ready. My Aset has always come with a side order of Hathor. I never understood why- but that’s how its always been. Its interesting to see how many people fear her- but I’ve found her to be nice enough (Hathor).
    Osiris is an interesting one. He doesn’t talk much. You’ll learn to have whole conversations without saying a word 😛 He is a lot like roots. He will find a way to get through to you- much how roots can cut through earth (or concrete)- and you won’t even realize it until its happened.

    Reply

    • cardsandfeather
      Feb 08, 2013 @ 23:11:05

      I find Het-Heru very easy to “hear”. Which is nice because I’m not good with most things that can’t be confirmed with charts and tables 😛 The same could be said for Wesir; however, there are times when Het-Heru doesn’t mind “holding a conversation”. With Wesir, even when I feel Him there, He may not expound or even “say” anything. What you say backs my own UPG up, and confirms how difficult this could be. Especially since His message sort of blindsided me. I’m hoping regular devotion will bring about more clarity. I’m looking forward to it…even though I move at a glacial pace.

      Reply

  3. nellethiel
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 14:43:47

    This is a lovely post! I’m always happy to see another person learning and growing due to the help of the Gods. Het-heru (Hathor) and Nebt-het (Nephthys) have recently come to me, and I’ve sort of been the opposite of you about it – Het-heru I understand! I know why She’s here, or at least, I strongly suspect. She’s here to bring joy into my life, get me “back into the dance” so to speak. My anxiety has kept me unhappy for too long, and She’s Lady of Golden Light, bringing of delight. Because you’re 100% right when you write that “She is more a Name of “attraction”; She is what makes you feel enamored with anything.” I get the same feeling, nearly daily.

    Nebt-het, on the other hand…I still wonder why She has come. But posts like yours and the writings of others I follow blogs of or know have encouraged me to accept the Gods and Goddesses we think we may have nothing to learn from. There is always something to learn, and there is always room to grow.

    Reply

    • cardsandfeather
      Feb 08, 2013 @ 23:06:38

      You said it beautifully: We do have accept the gods we don’t always think we have something to learn from.

      I have also found that sometimes we find a god and believe Them to be Epically Awesome: everything we hold dear. We can’t wait to get to know them: academically and in the shrine. “I already know all about these Things! For what more could I ask?” And then one day, you realize you didn’t know squat and your mind has been blown. 😀

      Also: I think that Nebet-het is a nice counterpart to Het-Heru. She is a Silent Lady in exchange for all of Het-Heru’s sistrum induce raucous 😉 I don’t know much about her, but there is a GREAT e book by Tamara Suida that (I think) was either free or 99 cents. Let me find in on my computer and track it down for you!

      Reply

  4. Zenith
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 18:24:31

    Wonderfully written post. Anpu has been patient with me, but once before, He has completely turned my life upside down exactly when I needed it, but it was so, so hard for me emotionally. Wepwawet is more upfront and impatient about getting me to improve myself, but so far, He hasn’t thrown me off a cliff yet.

    Reply

  5. khenneferitw
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 19:48:03

    How interesting for this to show up on my tumblr dash, just as I am beginning to realise if Aset is really knocking at more door, She cannot be denied.

    My personal practice focuses on learning the way the gods work, and learning the lessons they all represent; I’m pleased to see you have learned from Hetheru, as I hold Her quite dear, and pray that She (and Wesir) can eventually bring you some peace of mind. It seems to me that She and Aset are very connected: the Divine Whore archetype driving off some Kemetics and the Divine Queen archetype driving off others. Then you have the one who is embraced leading in to the one who is othered…

    Best of luck in your journey!

    Reply

    • cardsandfeather
      Feb 08, 2013 @ 22:50:10

      Thank you for the well wishes!
      You are the second person to comment about Het-Heru and Aset’s connection. I guess I’ll be honest: I DEFINITELY see this connection. It is utterly undeniable–in my research and in my practice. I feel like our culture’s gender roles (both traditional and modern) can be confusing for everyone involved. However, I see many “masculine” traits in both of these Nejeru. They simply roll Their eyes at us I believe!

      I look forward to reading your blog! If you ever want to chat it up with regards to Aset, please don’t be shy!

      Reply

  6. jewelofaset
    Feb 10, 2013 @ 04:31:45

    I love your post here. I totally love your insight and description of Aset.

    Yeah, I’m having trouble with Hetharu and Wesir too. I should start a devotional practice to Wesir. With Hetharu, Aset told me “I am your Hetharu.”

    I think Hetharu is awesome, but yeah. I have some hang-ups too that I think maybe Aset-Hetharu could help me with. (Aset-Hetharu the syncretic form. Besides Sekhmet-Mut and Nebet Het, and maybe Bast, other Kemetic Goddesses show up for me as syncretizations. I tried to work with Nut, I got Aset-Nut. I tried to work with Mut, I got Aset-Mut…)

    I’m here if you need me.

    Reply

    • cardsandfeather
      Feb 10, 2013 @ 09:48:42

      Thank you for your kind words.

      Aset *hinted* at the fact that She had a syncretic form with Het Heru and that I should look into that. At the time, I was still uninterested in Het Heru, but wanted to do this for Aset (I was comfortable with this syncretization). I researched it but didn’t honor Aset as such. Not long after She started saying, “You REALLY need to quit ignoring Het Heru. She can really help you!” In fact, I prayed to Her once and She straight up said, “Talk to Het Heru about that.” And sort of “left”.

      A lot of people seem to have a UPG that Aset is not very patient (or that She is demanding)? She has been VERY patient with me, and I think this is an example of Her compassion and patience (as well as Het Heru’s).

      I did my first official devotional rite for Wesir last night. It went well, but I didn’t really get much clarification (which was expected), just a feeling of “This was nice. I approve. Thank you.” I like Him.

      *hugs* again, thank you. It would be nice to have someone to chat with on this.

      Reply

  7. Trackback: Motivation Through Foveation | The Twisted Rope

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